The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
FUCK WHALES
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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