Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
