I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
