I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
