Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
