one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
