Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
