omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
