i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
