I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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