there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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