Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
