I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
