I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
