Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
