Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
