You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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