I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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