hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
