I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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