I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
