Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
