The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
