If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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