I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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