if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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