my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
