Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
