Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
