the new term for farting is butt boxing.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
