OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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