My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I checked into jail on foursquare
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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