Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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