If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
