well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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