I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
