i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
