Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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