just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He literally asked permission to hit on me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
