I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
