Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
