Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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