Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
