How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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