I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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