either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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