If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
