i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
