my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
