I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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